U.S. Acres: Snow Wade and the 77 Dwarfs (alternate version)

I will never forget the year 2000. I was in my senior year in high school. I always loved watching Adult Swim's Space Ghost Coast to Coast, but one night during winter break, something that would haunt me for years. The first episode of Space Ghost, "Spanish Translation", was airing. The episode contained my favorite comedian, who I first heard of from this show, Kevin Meaney. I remembered him because he voiced Aloysius Pig on Garfield and Friends, who was on an episode I saw on CBS when I was in middle school. When Kevin started talking about how his mom would react to him being on Space Ghost's show, a banner appeared saying that a "lost episode" of Garfield and Friends would come on. The episode continued as normal, but a black screen replaced the end credits.

 After a few seconds, "We're Ready to Party" played. Then, the episode "Canine Conspiracy" came on, and I noticed what episode I was watching. The whole episode had to be the funniest Garfield and Friends episode I ever saw. The first segement and the Quickie played as normal, but things started taking a turn for the worse when Snow Wade began. It started as normal, but when Orson told Wade that there were coyotes in the hills, coyotes appeared and Wade ran away from them. Everything then continued as normal, but Queen Lanolin's dialogue was different when we first saw her. She said, "We must please the devil! He is coming, and we must worship him!" Cloe the chick said, "I'm scared!" before Lanolin's eyes turned red and she kicked the pillar. She then said "Mirror, act honest and tell, which girl in this kingdom should go to Hell!"

 The Bo that appeared in the mirror had red eyes and blood all over him. He replied to Lanolin's question by saying "Like everyday, Snow Wade should burn in Hell and suffer." At this point, I was creeped out by the character's appearances and their dialogue talking about Hell. Lanolin had the evil smile she had when Wade bit into the poisoned apple instead of getting angry. She then said, "If I get rid of him, I could become the most fabulous babe!" She then told the servants to stab Snow Wade in the forest. We then cut to Snow Wade saying, "Woe is I. My parents were very abusive to me! I think I shall live on my own..." The servants then carried him to the forest and attempted to stab Wade, but some trees attacked them. The trees said "We are trying to save Snow Wade from death. Go away, or go to Hell." Then, Snow Wade was teleported inside the cottage. We then see Lanolin and the mirror. There is text on the screen that says "Minutes ago...” and the mirror tells Lanolin that he doesn't trust the servants and gives her a magic wand. The mirror says it will transform her into an old hag. We then followed Lanolin to the cottage.

 She appeared to be looking at me and said, "Amber (yes, that's my real name), you shall help me do my deeds in Hell. You shall be going there sooner or later." I then said, "I know Hell is where Satan is, but you're not the Lanolin I know! Don't bother talking to me..." She then used the wand to put on the old hag costume. The transformation reminded me of one from a tape I had as a kid called "The Magical Princess Gigi". It was very beautiful. Then, Snow Wade said he was departing, and 77 clones of the Magic Mirror Bo appeared around Wade. When he opened the door, the Old Hag Lanolin appeared with blood all over her and black eyes with red pupils. She said "Poisoned apple, my dear?" in an evil tone. Snow Wade ate the apple, but then said, "Oh, I feel strange!" in Snow White's voice. I thought to myself, "Was Disney involved with this at one point?" However, Snow Wade was still alive, and Lanolin turned her magic wand into a knife, while shouting "Her breath will still, her blood congeal, and Satan will steal her soul! And I will conquer the world! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 I was so frightened by this, I went to the bathroom when the show took a commercial break and vomited during the whole break. Then, I went back into my room and called my older sister who lived 20 minutes away from me. I asked her to turn on Adult Swim to see if she saw a pig, some chicks, and a rooster walking around in a forest, talking about a queen. My older sister said she saw a re-run of a Sailor Moon R episode, not Garfield and Friends. I tried telling her I really saw the episode, but she hung up. I then continued watching the episode.

 Apparently, I hadn't missed much. A Magic Mirror Bo said that Snow Wade had died, and told Orson, Booker, Sheldon, and Roy they had nothing left to do but stand their. Queen Lanolin appeared on a mountain and said "Everyone, do you enjoy this world? Do you treasure everyone you love? I do...but..." Lanolin's eyes then turned into the same eyes she had when she was the old hag, and said "I WILL TAKE YOUR LIFE AND LET SATAN SWALLOW YOUR SOULS! YOUR LIFE IS USELESS! THE WORLD IS A LIVING HELL! PEOPLE DIE AND FIGHT EVERYDAY FOR THEIR SURVIVAL, BUT IN THE END, THE LIFE CYCLE IS MURDER, RAPE, AND SUICIDE! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR IMAGINATION ORSON, AND LET EARTH BECOME ALL MINE!" She then pulled out a chainsaw and violently attacked the characters for a whole 5 minutes. It was the bloodiest fight I've ever seen! At the end, she had blood all over her, turned to the camera, and said, "You're next!" Then, end credits rolled silently on the final shot of Lanolin. I passed out after the credits...

 The next morning, the sound of a doorbell woke me up. At the door was Lanolin, in   her Evil Queen form from Snow Wade. Then, at 5:30PM, Lanolin closed her eyes, changing them to the familiar eyes I saw on the episode last night, and she told me "YOU SAW ORSON AND FRIENDS SUFFER, BUT THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO SUFFER! I WANT TO END THIS HORRIBLE WORLD! GOODBYE, MY PET!" She pulled out a very sharp sword and tried to kill me. I yelled "CALM YOUR TEMPER, LANOLIN!” something I remembered from Much Ado About Lanolin. After a few minutes of Lanolin chasing me with knives, chainsaws, guns, and razors, I said to Lanolin, "STOP! I actually like you when you are very nice. You shouldn't think this world is cruel, but I want you to like this world." Queen Lanolin said "You...LIKE ME?" She then had her normal eyes, dropped her razor, and hugged me. She turned into a human about my age and became my newly adopted sister. My mom named Lanolin's human form "Laurie".  She was a very smart student and graduated with me.

 I researched the episode during my college years, and there was no info on the alternate version of the episode anywhere, not even on the Internet. During my last year in college, Laurie told me that the episode was supposedly an alternate version of Snow Wade rejected by CBS for being too violent. Children who viewed this episode were scared for life, and about 3 of the show’s creators who viewed it committed suicide after watching it. So...if you encounter this episode, be prepared to tell Lanolin the right thing when she visits your house...or else you'll pay the ultimate price for your mistake!